By Katie Noble, Managing Director of Allied Medical and Livewell
It is the phone call every New Zealander living overseas dreads.
Mum has had a fall. Dad is in hospital. They may be discharged tomorrow, and you have no idea how they will manage at home.
Over the years, I have received calls from friends overseas facing exactly this situation. They often say, “Katie, I’m worried about Mum and Dad, but I don’t know what to do from here.”
There is usually fear, uncertainty and guilt all mixed together. You want to get on a plane, but that may not be possible. The good news is that there are still practical ways you can help from afar.
Do not rely only on “We’re fine”
Parents can be very good at protecting their children from worry. They are still the parents, after all, and they do not want to feel like a burden.
This is why I encourage video calls rather than relying only on the phone. Seeing your parents can tell you much more than hearing their voices. You may notice that Mum looks tired, Dad is struggling to get out of his chair, or one parent is doing more for the other than they are letting on.
Ask gentle but specific questions. Can they get in and out of the shower? Are they managing the front steps? Is there food in the fridge? Are they taking their medication? The aim is not to interrogate them or take control. It is to understand how they are really managing.
Speak with the right health professionals
If your parent is in hospital, find out who is coordinating their care and what your parent needs to do to allow that person to speak with you.
Ask what support will be needed when they return home, whether their mobility has changed, and if their home has been assessed for safety. It is also important to understand what follow up care, rehabilitation or community support will be arranged.
If possible, join a meeting or appointment by phone or video. Medical language can be confusing, particularly when information is being passed through several people and you being there also let’s you ask questions too.
Make sure home really is safe
Everyone wants to get home from hospital, but being discharged and being able to manage safely are not always the same thing.
A person may be able to walk down a hospital corridor but still struggle with their front steps, a low toilet or getting into the shower.
This is often when friends call me. They may not know what equipment their parent needs. They simply know that Mum cannot get off the toilet easily or Dad no longer feels safe in the shower.
That is enough information to start a conversation.
Equipment such as a shower chair, grab rails, a raised toilet seat or the right walking aid can make daily life safer. However, the best solution depends on the person, their abilities and their home, so advice from an occupational therapist, physiotherapist or another health professional may be needed.
Find someone local you trust
Having someone nearby who can visit and give you an honest picture is incredibly valuable. This could be a relative, neighbour, family friend or trusted community contact.
They may notice things your parents have not mentioned, such as an empty fridge, confusion around medication, or one parent becoming exhausted from caring for the other.
If possible, build a small support circle rather than relying on one person to do everything. Make sure someone local has a spare key and knows who to contact in an emergency.
Distance does not mean you are not caring
Living overseas can bring a heavy sense of guilt when a parent becomes unwell. But caring can take many forms.
You can coordinate appointments, arrange services, research equipment, keep family members informed and manage the administration. These things can make an enormous difference to both your parents and the people supporting them locally.
Most importantly, keep talking with your parents, not simply about them. Respect their choices and involve them in decisions. They are still your parents, and maintaining their independence will matter deeply to them.
You cannot remove the distance, but you can create a clearer picture of what is happening and help put the right support around them.
If you are overseas and worried about a parent in New Zealand, the Livewell team can help you work through the practical equipment questions. You do not need to know exactly what you are looking for before you call.